We’re all willing to do whatever it takes to ensure that our babies are properly nourished, obviously, but as anyone who’s been through this glorious journey of motherhood will tell you, kids are shrewd. They’re unimaginably clever. They will find ways to get what they want and they will repeat them relentlessly.
Which is not their fault, obviously. They’re just working off of instinct. They know what they like, and at a young age, they like mom.
I’m talking all mom, all the time. You are to your baby what Pinterest is to middle age homeowners. Too much is never enough.
And given the fact that they really only have one method of communicating, if mom’s not around and they don’t think that’s cool, they fire up the lungs and they cry.
However, obviously they don’t only cry because they want mom. They cry because they’re uncomfortable, or because they’ve got a dirty diaper, or because they’re too hot or too cold, and they cry because they’re hungry.
So when they wake up in the middle of the night and they start crying, it’s tough to determine whether it’s because they need to eat or because they just want to see mom back in the room.
I’m not trying to tell you that you shouldn’t respond to your baby’s crying. You know your baby better than anyone and I imagine you can tell when something needs to be addressed based on the decibel level, intensity, pitch, and duration. But having said that, if your baby is waking up seven or eight times a night and insisting that you come in and rock her back to sleep, that can have a serious impact on everybody’s sleep, including hers.
A lot of babies have developed a dependency on
nursing, rocking, sucking, and so on, in order to get to sleep, and it’s not something they can overcome in 15 or 20 minutes. Solving that issue takes some real work and a firm commitment from you, but we can talk about sleep training in a minute here.
First things first, here are a few things to consider when you’re trying to determine this oh-so-prevalent parental riddle.
Up until about the six month mark, babies typically need at least one nighttime feed. Their tummies are small, they haven’t started solid food yet, and formula and breast milk digest fairly quickly, so there’s a good chance they’re going to get a case of the munchies during the night.
This isn’t the case for all babies, obviously. Some infants sleep through the night without a feed from a very early age and then pig out during the day, but generally speaking, you can expect to be summoned for a nighttime feed up until baby’s hit about six months.
Once baby’s capable of sleeping through the night without a feed, you need to make sure they’re getting the calories they need during their daytime hours. The best way I’ve found to make this switch is to throw in an extra feed during the day, or by adding an ounce or two to each bottle throughout the day. This is also a great time to think about introducing solid
foods. The good news here is that baby’s body will typically adjust over a night or two to start taking in those additional calories during the daytime once they’re no longer getting them at night.
Just a quick but SUPER IMPORTANT reminder… Before you attempt to make any changes to your baby’s feeding schedule, talk to your pediatrician. Nighttime sleep is awesome but calories are essential. If your little one is underweight or not growing as fast as they should be, it might not be a good time to wean out night feedings, so again, chat with your doctor.
I’m sure you know this scenario. Baby starts crying 45 minutes after you put her down, you go in and offer a feed which she eagerly accepts, she takes about three quarters of an ounce, then promptly passes out in the middle of things.
If this is happening frequently, it’s a good sign that your little one’s feeding for comfort instead of hunger. Babies who are genuinely hungry will usually eat until they’re full, whereas those who are feeding for comfort tend to drift off pretty quickly once they’ve gotten what they’re looking for.
If baby does take a full feed at night, she should be able to sleep for around 3-4 hours afterwards. An average sleep cycle for babies around the 6 month mark is somewhere in the 45minute – 1 hour range, so if they’re waking up around that long after they eat, it’s likely that they’re dependent on the sucking and soothing actions of your feeding routine to get to sleep.
Falling asleep while you’re hungry is tough, regardless of your age. Your brain recognizes hunger as a priority and will stay alert until the need is met, or until you’re exhausted enough that the need to sleep overrides the need to eat.
So if your baby really is hungry, they usually won’t go back to sleep very easily until they’ve been fed. If they nod off after five or ten minutes of crying, that’s a pretty reliable sign that they were just looking for some help getting back to sleep and not actually in need of a feed.
Here lies the linchpin. The cornerstone of the whole equation, this right here. Can your baby fall asleep on their own?
If you can put your baby down in her crib while she’s still awake, leave the room, and have baby fall asleep without any help from you, without a pacifier, or any other kind of outside assistance, then those nighttime cries are far more likely to mean that she genuinely needs a hand with something when she wakes up crying at night.
Determining whether your baby’s hungry at night is obviously a complicated situation. Calories are vital but so is sleep, so we typically end up paralyzed trying to balance the importance of the two. This tightrope is immeasurably easier to walk once you’ve taught your baby the skills they need to fall asleep on their own. Once the habit of feeding to sleep is broken, you can feel much more confident that their requests for a nighttime feed are out of necessity and not just a way of grabbing a few extra minutes with mom.
And, as always, if you’re looking for some help teaching your little one those essential sleep skills, I’ve got you covered.
Back when I was a kid, there was an ad that ran pretty frequently on daytime television for a book called, “The Doctors Book of Home Remedies,” and even as a child, I have to admit, I was fascinated.
Try rubbing aspiring on a bee sting!
Quiet a colicky baby by running the vacuum cleaner!
Swallow a teaspoon of sugar to cure your hiccups!
I’m not sure what it is that I found so fascinating about curing ailments with common objects they
had lying around the house, but obviously I wasn’t the only one. The book has sold something like 16 million copies and is still available on Amazon today.
One of the big selling points of cures like these is that they’re “natural.” We’re not taking some lab-designed chemical to solve the problem. We’re using something that’s readily available in nature.
You know. Like aspirin.
I should stipulate here that I’m not anti-homeopathy, nor am I anti -pharmaceutical. I feel that health decisions are something that should be carefully considered by the individual with the advice of their doctor. If probiotics will improve your gut health, I say go for it. If you need serious medication to lower your cholesterol, then you should probably take that too. But anything your going to put in your body, and every bit as importantly, your child’s body, should be evaluated for its efficacy and possible side effects, which is why I think we should have a quick talk about melatonin.
Melatonin has been touted by a lot of homeopathic experts as a safe, natural way of helping people get to sleep, and in a lot of ways, that actually very true, but there’s a whole lot more to understand about it before you take it yourself or give it to your child.
So what is it, exactly? Well, melatonin is a hormone that’s secreted from the pineal gland that helps to settle your body and mind down when it’s time to sleep. How exactly it does that is a very complicated process and involves more biology that I can possibly hope to understand, much less explain. So in the simplest terms, melatonin is your brain’s way of drawing the curtains for the night
Cortisol is its counterpart, which opens them back up, and the two together make up a large part of what we call our “body clock,” but more on that later. An important point here is that melatonin is not a traditional sleep aid. As Dr. Luis Buenaver, a sleep expert from Johns Hopkins explains it, “Your body produces melatonin naturally. It doesn’t make you sleep, but as melatonin levels rise in the evening it puts you into a state of quiet wakefulness that helps promote sleep.” How does our body know when to start producing melatonin? Quite naturally, actually. When it starts to get dark, the body recognizes the onset of night, and gets the melatonin pumps up and running. That worked like a charm for a couple of hundred thousand years, until we invented the light bulb. And the television. And the smart phone. And the laptop. Nowadays our eyes are flooded with so much artificial light that it can be difficult for our brains to determine when night is actually coming on, and it can interfere with melatonin production. That can mess up our body clocks and contribute to insomnia.
Now, in some cases, jet-lag and shift work being the biggest two, a melatonin supplement can help reset our body clocks if they’ve been thrown out of whack, but it’s not a solution to sleep issues. My first piece of advice to people who are having trouble sleeping is to turn off their screens a couple of hours before bed, turn down the house lights, and come up with a bedtime routine. Let your body know that it’s time to sleep, and it’ll do almost all of the leg work for you.
Side note: This is not the case for insomniacs. People with psychological or physical conditions that inhibit their sleep should definitely consult with their physicians.
Now, when it comes to kids, all of this information still applies. Newborns are something of an exception, as they don’t start producing melatonin and cortisol until they’re about 2 months old. Until then, they’re kind of flying by the seat of their pants, sleep-wise, as I’m sure you probably already know if you have any of your own. But past the 2 month mark, they start to establish a 24-hour light-dark sleep cycle, which is the standard sleep cycle that we follow throughout our lives. So now we get to the big question… “Will giving my child melatonin help them sleep through the night?” And the answer is, “No it will not.” It might help them GET to sleep at night, but it will not help them stay asleep. This isn’t just my opinion, by the way.
This is the general consensus of sleep specialist, researchers,
and doctors worldwide. The National Sleep Foundation has found that, “…when scientists conduct tests to compare melatonin as a “sleeping pill” to a placebo (sugar pill) most studies show no benefit of melatonin.”
I do think being fully informed is important, of course. Melatonin is a hormone and can have serious side effects. There have also been studies that showed early sexual development in animal subjects given melatonin, but the link in human children hasn’t been established. Again, I am not in any way against homeopathic or naturopathic medicine. Even in cases where the effects are psychological, and for some people, melatonin does indeed get them to sleep quicker and help them sleep through the night. If it’s just a placebo effect for some of them, no biggie.
They’re getting the sleep they need and that’s vitally important in its own right.
But when it comes to young kids, I feel that it’s essential for us as parents to teach them the skills they need to fall asleep and stay asleep on their own. And here’s the good news. Kids and sleep go together like biscuits and gravy. They need a LOT of sleep, and for a short period on their lives, everything in their bodies is tuned to help ensure they get it. All they need from us is a little guidance and a determination to step out of the way sometimes so they can develop the ability to get to sleep and stay asleep on their own. Giving them any kind of sleep aid is definitely not the answer, whether it’s melatonin or Benadryl.
Just like learning any other skill, it takes practice and time. There’s no supplement that can teach you how to play an instrument, teach you long division, or sharpen your golf game. Sleep is, in essence, exactly the same thing. It’s a skill that needs to be developed, and once it is, it comes easily and naturally, so before you reach for the pills, try establishing a predictable, consistent bedtime routine, shutting down the TVs and tablets a couple of hours before bed, and encouraging your child to fall asleep without feeding, rocking, or other forms of outside help. I promise you, the results will be better than anything you’ll get from a pill, and they’ll last them a lifetime.
As a mother myself, as well as a sleep consultant whose nine to five job consists of meeting with the parents of babies and toddlers, I’ve come to the inescapable conclusion that babies, as a rule, are complicated creatures.
I’ve always gotten a giggle from Matthew McConaughey’s quote about newborns, saying,
“They eat, they crap, they sleep, and if they’re crying they need to do one of the three and they’re having trouble doing it. Real simple.”
And in a way, he’s right. A baby’s vital needs essentially break down into eating, sleeping, and pooping, and their only real form of communicating an issue with any of those things is through crying.
But as any parent knows, identifying the fact that there is a problem is far, far easier than solving the problem, and as parents, that’s what we want to do. (And I use the word “want” there in the same way I say that we “want” to, you know, breathe air and drink water.)
Now, if you’re the parent of a baby who’s learning to crawl, or who’s teething, or just figured out how to roll over, this may come as the least surprising scientific discovery imaginable, but developmental milestones are likely to cause disruptions in a baby’s sleep.
In a 2015 study published in Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development, researchers looked at the sleep patterns of before they started crawling, while they were learning to crawl, and a few months after learning to crawl. The results stated that, “Along with the overall improvement in sleep consolidation, periods of increased long wake episodes were also manifested; the rise in sleep disruption was temporally linked to crawling onset. The results of the study highlight the dynamic interrelations between domains of development, indicate that emerging motor skills may involve periods of disrupted sleep, and point to the moderating effect of age.”
To dumb that down significantly, babies appear to have more nighttime wake-ups around the time that they learn to crawl. (Nighttime wake-ups were monitored by a motion sensor on baby’s ankle and were only counted if baby was moving around for more than five minutes.) [/caption]
How Developmental Milestones Affect Sleep
To quote that same study, “In dynamic systems, downward trends in performance and in behavioral control often mark the emergence of new abilities. This pattern has been identified in diverse domains of infant development including manual reaching, vocal production, and language acquisition.”
Or, in layman’s terms, things tend to get worse before they get better, and when your little one starts learning to talk, you can expect some random blathering sessions in the middle of the night.”
Teething is another one of the usual suspects when it comes to disruptions in baby’s sleep, and again, it seems like common sense. If baby’s got sore gums, that discomfort is probably going to make it a little tougher to get to sleep and stay asleep. But do we really know any such thing for sure?
A study from the April, 2000 issue of Pediatrics looked at symptoms that could and could not be attributed to emerging teeth. It found that during the 4 days before a tooth emerged, the day it popped out, and for the three days following, there was a statistical increase in wakefulness and irritability.
The discomfort that comes along with teething explains why it would be disruptive to your child’s sleep, but leaving that one aside for a minute, let’s look at language and movement skills and why they might be responsible for some more frequent nighttime wake- ups.
Much like the rest of us, babies get excited when they start to learn a new skill. Watching my little one learn to crawl reminded me of myself when I first used Shazam to identify a song playing over the speakers in Starbucks. I was ridiculously, I mean ridiculously excited. I couldn’t wait for another song to come on so I could try it again, I started singing obscure ‘80s pop songs to see if it could nail them down, and I showed it off to literally everyone who would listen.
To your baby, learning to roll over, learning to crawl, or learning to talk, elicits pretty much the same response. They get a real thrill out of this newfound ability and they are going to practice it over and over. In the morning, in the afternoon, and when they wake up in the middle of the night, and that excitement is going to make it a little more difficult for them to get back to sleep.
The reason I wanted to talk about this is because I see a lot of parents looking for a “solution” in this scenario, and in trying to get their baby’s sleep back on track, they tend to lose consistency. They’ll move bedtimes around, start rocking or feeding baby back to sleep, change up the bedtime routine, anything they think might help. But the best advice I can give you is to hold steady.
You’re probably going to have to go in and soothe your baby a little more often during this period, and you’ll have to help get them out of the uncomfortable positions they manage to get themselves into, and you’ll likely have some frustrating nights where your little one will drive you a little batty with their babbling.
And although you can’t fix the situation, you can make things substantially harder for both you and your baby. Adopting a bunch of quick-fixes in order to get your baby sleeping quickly when they wake up at night is very likely to end up creating dependencies that will last long past the time baby’s figured out how to get themselves readjusted when they wake up in the night. So don’t give in to the temptation to rock or bounce them to sleep, don’t let them sleep in the swing, don’t take them for car rides, and above all, don’t nurse or feed them back to sleep.
Offer them some comfort, tell them it’s still bedtime, help them get back into a comfortable position if they’ve gotten themselves pushed up against the side of the crib, or roll them onto their backs if they’ve flipped, but make sure to let them get back to sleep on their own. That way, once they’ve got this new skill mastered, they’ll still have the ability to self- soothe when they wake up at night. [/caption]
It’s likely to be a bit of a challenge, and it may feel at times like one skill gets mastered just in time for another one to start developing, but hang in there. The whole time this is going on, your baby is also developing the ability to better consolidate nighttime sleep, so stay consistent and you can expect even more of those glorious sleep-filled nights once the storm has passed.
There are two things I can pretty much guarantee you when it comes to teaching your baby to sleep through the night.
I’ve never worked with a family whose baby went right down on the first night and just magically slept through from then on. Some have slept through the night on night two, most of them start seeing results on night three or four, but I won’t kid you, night one can be a trial.
I’ve also never worked with a family who didn’t feel like they had made a tremendous decision once their baby had learned to sleep through the night. The benefits to the whole family are almost indescribable.
Like many big decisions though, there are times that are ideal and times that are less so. Today, I’d like to offer some tips for deciding whether or not it’s the right time to take this challenging, but oh-so-rewarding journey.
Are you going to be around?
I’m not attempting to find a silver lining in this Covid-19 situation, but many parents are currently either working from home or not working at all, which does present the opportunity to be at home while you show your little one how to sleep independently. I usually recommend that at least one parent is home for two weeks while you’re sleep training, so this might be a great opportunity to take the plunge.
I don’t advise parents to start sleep training within two weeks of traveling, but I’m guessing that’s not a concern for most of us at the moment since we’re all sticking pretty close to our home base.
Is the time right for baby?
The best chance for a quick and effective solution to your baby’s sleep issues is to implement the changes when they’re healthy and thriving.
If baby’s dealing with reflux or colic, you’ll want to get that remedied before you start sleep training. There’s going to be some fussing and protest in the first few nights, and we want to make sure it’s only due to the change in their routine, not because of actual discomfort, and if they’re healthy, it’s much easier to pinpoint the reasons for their fussing.
Is your partner on board?
If you’re raising your baby with a partner, it’s important that both of you are committed to the process. This can be a trying ordeal for the first couple of nights and if your partner thinks it’s not a good idea, there’s likely going to be a point where they manage to convince you to give in and resort to whatever “sleep prop” you usually use to get your baby to sleep. So before you get started, make sure you and your partner have both signed on and can rely on one another for support.
Can you stand a couple of nights without a lot of sleep?
I won’t sugar-coat it. Changing up someone’s sleep habits is almost never met with a lot of enthusiasm for the first night or two, so nobody’s likely to get a lot of rest for the first 48 hours. If you have an important meeting or a major event coming up in the next few days that you need to be in peak condition for, you might want to wait until next weekend to get things underway.
Are the symptoms of sleep deprivation starting to show?
Are you starting to feel depressed, moody, forgetful, unmotivated, clumsy, or unfocused? Is your sex drive starting to wane? Have you noticed an increased appetite and carbohydrate cravings?
These are all symptoms of sleep deprivation and they’re no laughing matter. Society tends to make light of the whole, “exhausted new parent” persona, but the more we learn about the health effects of sleep deprivation, the less of a joke it becomes. If you’re sleep-deprived or feel like you’re on the verge, now’s the time to take some action.
Are their accommodations ready?
Exceptions can be made in certain situations, but I really do find that putting baby into their own room is the best way to help them learn to sleep independently, and there are a few decorating guidelines to help baby get the hang of this thing as quickly as possible. Their room should be as dark as you can possibly get it. Put up some blackout blinds or, barring that, tape up some garbage bags over the windows. It’s not pretty but 100% darkness will really help with daytime naps.
Get rid of any mobiles, crib aquariums, or light-emitting devices that claim to help baby sleep. (I can assure you, they don’t.) An ideal nursery is flat-out boring. Baby should recognize it as a place to do nothing but sleep, so keep their toys and stuffies in another room.
Don’t wait for the “perfect” moment
Like I said earlier, now might not be the ideal time to take the initiative to help your baby sleep through the night. Getting started and having to stop because of some bad planning is likely going to cause some confusion and minimize your chances for success. But remember, there’s always going to be something that isn’t exactly ideal. Teething, crawling, rolling over, and other developmental milestones, shouldn’t impede baby’s ability to sleep through the night, and they’re not going to stop popping up until your little one’s about ready to graduate from high school.
So now that you know all that, if you feel like the time is right and you’re ready to get started, let’s get going! Get in touch and we can start putting together a plan for your baby right away I know it’s a big decision, (It certainly was for me when I first made it with my little one) but the outcome is almost indescribably wonderful for the whole family. I’m ready when you are.
As a pediatric sleep consultant, there are a few questions I’ve grown accustomed to hearing. People are understandably curious about whether or not their child is going to cry, and if so, for how long. They want to know how long it’s going to take before baby starts sleeping through the night, and when they’ll be able to do the same.
And even though they never come right out and say it in so many words, they want to know if there’s some kind of magical solution that will solve the problem instantaneously without any effort, crying, or protest.
That’s not the verbiage they use, obviously. What they do say is something to the tune of, “A friend of mine got her toddler a special sleep suit and she says her little guy’s been conking out at bedtime ever since.”
Then they give me a slightly hopeful, somewhat quizzical look, hoping that maybe, just maybe, I’ll tell them that their child is an ideal candidate for the magical sleep suit, and that it’ll solve their baby’s sleep problems in an instant.
And when you consider how many products out there say they’ll get your baby to sleep, it’s not surprising that parents think that maybe one of them might be the solution. Maybe the self-rocking crib? The vibrating mattress pad? The weighted blanket? The motion- detecting auto-shusher? The hypnotizing bedtime book?
I’m not making this stuff up, by the way. All of those are actual products available for purchase, and that’s not even close to a complete list.
Now, I’m not saying that none of these products will help your baby fall asleep. In fact, I would suggest the opposite. I think many of them actually do exactly what they say, and therein lies the problem.
Let’s take the hypnotizing baby book as an example. If you have young kids, you’ve almost undoubtedly heard of it in the last year. It’s the first self-published book to climb to the top of Amazon’s bestseller list, promising to get your kids to go to sleep through repetitive phrases and near-constant yawning on the part of the reader
Let’s say you buy the book, read it to your child, and it puts them out like a light. I’m guessing you know by now that babies, like the rest of us, don’t just fall asleep and stay asleep for 10 straight hours. We all go through sleep cycles that take us from light sleep into deep sleep and back again, and in between those stages, we tend to wake up. Adults typically don’t even remember it, since we’re able to get back to sleep on our own, but babies often rely on some kind of a crutch. Like, oooohh, I dunno. A hypnotizing bedtime story, for example.
So unless you like the idea of getting up every two or three hours and reading “The Rabbit Who Wants to Fall Asleep,” you’re setting yourself and your baby up for some genuinely unpleasant nights.
Sleep is a skill, and I don’t say that metaphorically. It’s no different than swimming, riding a bike, driving a stick shift, or playing the piano. We may be born with the ability to fall asleep, sure, but it still takes some practice to refine that skill, and when you lull your little one to sleep with motion, shushing, vibration, or feeding, you’re doing all of the practice for them. You’re constantly holding the seat of their bike while they’re trying to learn to ride it.
That’s what sets a sleep consultant apart from all of these thingamajigs. Together, we teach your child to master those sleeping skills. We take them, step by step, from beginner to expert, until you’re the proud and happy parent of the Michael Jordan of sleep.
That means that no matter where they’re sleeping, no matter who’s watching them, and regardless if the motor dies on their self-rocking crib, they’ll have no problem getting themselves off to sleep, and staying asleep, straight through the night.
That comes with the obvious benefit of a well-rested child, (as well as well-rested parents) but there’s another huge plus when your baby really gets the hang of this skill. They love to do it.
Just the same as any other talent, when we’re good at something, we enjoy doing it. It’s no longer frustrating, and we actually engage in it for sheer pleasure. My little one, and the vast majority of those that I’ve worked with, absolutely love bedtime. There are no more bedtime battles, no tears, just a happy winding-down and some quality time with their parents to look forward to before they get into bed and do what they’re good at. I’m not saying that your toddler will be going to sleepovers and telling their friends to check out how easily they can get to sleep, but I’m not saying they won’t either.
Dropping a few hundred bucks every six months when your baby outgrows their weighted sleep sack, (or a whopping $1500 when they get too big for their self-rocking crib) is a pricey set of training wheels, especially when you consider that they’re really just treating the symptom and not the cause. Teaching your baby the skills needed to fall asleep on their own really is the cure-all for their nighttime woes.